Last night I ran into this listing, at the online Jennie-O Turkey Store, for a college internship:
This full-time (40 hours per week)… internship will last approximately three months. You will be introduced to a progressive and dynamic turkey breeder or grow out operation, which will provide you with an inside look at becoming a successful Farm Manager. You will apply your managerial, leadership, and interpersonal skills to the daily management of a flock and be given the chance to analyze capital and labor expenses to ensure flock costs are met.
A portion of an online diary reveals a “day in the life of Kelsey who worked in the turkey barns and in our Spicer, Minnesota office….” A few excerpts:
Report to work, unlock the office door…put my boots on and head out to 1 Barn.
Pick dead birds in 1 Barn. [...] Record the mortality in the barn and bring dead birds to the incinerator. Start picking dead in 2 Barn. Kathy, the farm manager that I work with usually meets me in this barn. She picks dead in 3 Barn while I am picking dead in 1 Barn. The same procedure is done in all three barns.
Usually done picking dead by this time, unless the birds are younger, then it takes longer because you have more record keeping….
…bring all the culled birds to the incinerator and start it for the day. Then head to the office for a lunch break.
“It’s everything you’ve wished for,” says the slogan on the company’s Careers page.
All this made me wonder how else America’s college students are helping to feed us this Thanksgiving, so I asked Crazy Larry to find some other food-themed internships. Here’s what he came up with:
Slogan: “Meals that bring families—including pets—together.”
This full-time (40 hours per week) internship will introduce you to a progressive and dynamic corn-processor named Freddy. You’ll aid Freddy in his corn-shucking and de-kerneling tasks by keeping his rubber gloves well-oiled. You will apply your managerial, leadership, and interpersonal skills to the daily management of the ear-soaking tub and to rubbing Freddy’s muscular forearms to prevent carpal-tunnel lawsuits.
Slogan: “Highest category awareness for plates, bowls, cups, napkins and table covers.”
This full-time (40 hours per week) internship will introduce you to our progressive and dynamic brand of paper dinnerware called Chinet. Share in the creation of sturdy beauty by cleaning the brushes for the graphic designer who paints the original patterns for our 9-inch plates and matching snack saucers. You will apply your managerial, leadership, and interpersonal skills to the daily management of turpentine, soap, and water. Other duties might include calling the designer’s mother for him to say he can’t make it to lunch because he thinks he ran over a dog on his way to work and he’s too distraught to meet with her. Also: Stimulants.
Uncle Jiggly Brands:
Slogan: “The best part is that slurping noise the product makes when it breaks suction with the can.”
This full-time (40 hours per week) internship will introduce you to our progressive and dynamic brand of canned cranberry-flavored molds, sauces, and jellies. You will apply your managerial, leadership, and interpersonal skills to the daily grinding of the hooves to make the gelatin for the canning process. Occasional kill-floor duties.
My own intern, Bradley, says he’s graduating and moving to California, but if so why’d he rent a house here in town last week? In any case, his position will soon come open. Know any smart, ambitious go-getters who’d like to apply? Here’s the listing:
Churm Enterprises, LLC
Slogan: Don’t be a chump, chum. Choose Churm and cheer!
This part-time (3 hours per week) internship will introduce you to a progressive and dynamic brand of Internet writing and its associated labor processes. You will apply your managerial, leadership, and interpersonal skills to making a list of supplies needed for Thanksgiving dinner, procuring them from the cheapest sources (you’ll be reimbursed after 60 days), cooking them with flair, and serving Oronte, his family and 31 of his dearest friends. Before the day is out: Cleanup! You missed a spot.