News, Views and Careers for All of Higher Education
Jan. 30, 2007
A is for Anxiety. Who are you, Derrida?
B is for the Bore you are, to all but Ma and Pa.
C is for the Coin you drop on Copies you deface,
D for the Despair you feel, producing at this pace.
E is for the Energy you wasted all these years,
F for Fraud, for Failure, Fake, whatever, these are tears.
G is for the Game you play, imagining you’ll finish,
H for Harry Potter. You fancy games of Quiddich.
I’s for Isolation, you’re alone in this you know?
J for all the Joy you’ll feel in this Hell when it snows.
K is for the grade you’d give, to see that student sob,
L for Lucky, like you’ll be, to ever Land a job.
M is for the Money you’d be rolling in by now,
N for all the Notes you lost, although you’re not sure how.
O is for the wailing, which continues in your sleep,
P for all the Pressure, which you handle [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP].
Q is for the Questions, all the dumb ones that you ask,
R for the Revisions, Resubmissions in your past.*
T is for the Time spent, reading this instead of that,
U for Unproductive, like the time spent with your cat.
V is for the Virtues you can always cultivate,
When you have a real life. At some undetermined date.
X is for the ones you love, but avoid for your cause,
Y for you, you you you you, and working without pause.
Z is for the Žižek, he’s really rad, I hear,
And now you know, Grad ABCs, who here wants more beer?
*S is for the Shit you inevitably leave out, or maybe for how stupid, you feel foot firm in mouth.
Want it on paper? Print this page.
Know someone who’d be interested? Forward this story.
Want to stay informed? Sign up for free daily news e-mail.
Advertisement
This primer is humerous; the humor is based in the experience of many, many graduate students. Finding the humor in the experience does not belittle the importance of the work, but rather finds a commonality in a process that is quite isolating and individualistic (check out any of the current research on graduate student experiences, socialization, and/or identity). Suggesting that those of us who found or are finding this piece reflective of our lives to instead go to Iraq is both insulting and missing the point entirely (for which I’d gladly give a grade of K).
Patrick Dilley, Ph.D., Assistant Professor, Higher Education at Southern Illinois University, at 9:55 am EST on January 30, 2007
Perhaps an ad hoc by-line will address concerns about my worthlessness:
“Scott Eric Kaufman is a graduate student in the Engish Department at the University of California, Irvine. He is currently working on a dissertation about the impact of non-Darwinian evolutionary theories on American popular culture in the 1890s.”
Scott Eric Kaufman, UCI, at 1:05 pm EST on January 30, 2007
“‘So now I know everything anyone knows From beginning to end. From the start to the close.Because Z is as far as the alphabet goes.’
Then he almost fell flat on his face on the floor When I picked up the chalk and drew one letter more!A letter he never had dreamed of before!”
The most appropriate stanza for the life of the grad student is probably:
“I’ve a letter called FLUNN. And the FLUNN is for Flunnel A softish nice fellow who hides in a tunnel. He only comes out of his hole, I’m afraid, When the right kind of softish nice music is played On a kind of a hunting horn called the o’Grunth. And to learn how to play it takes month after month Of practising, practising. Isn’t much fun-th. And, besides, it’s quite heavy. Weighs almost a tun-th. That’s why few people bother to play the o’GrunthSo the Flunnel’s been out of his tunnel just one-th.”
Rich Puchalsky, at 10:06 pm EST on January 30, 2007
... Sandman allusion. Nice work, Mr. Funny Books.
The Constructivist, at 5:41 am EST on January 31, 2007
It might have tickled your funny bone, but it isn’t humerous. It’s humOrous.
Ben’s dad, at 5:46 am EST on February 1, 2007
Hey! fellows did you hear the lore?
You’ve got your own growing to do, No matter how tall you grandfather is....
Alexandria deJesus, educated by a Chatholic Nuns, at 9:31 am EST on February 1, 2007
The author has managed to touch on many of the psychological reasons that writing a dissertation is so torturous, particularly the isolation, putting one’s life on hold, desperation at the slow pace of writing, and feeling like a fake. My motto is “end the isolation!”
Gina Hiatt, Dissertation/Tenure Coach/Writing Club Owner at Academic Ladder, at 12:10 pm EST on February 1, 2007
Advertisement
or search for jobs directly.
Posting Description: University of Colorado Denver Instructorship Position Job Posting 804119 The Department ... see job
Located 10 miles west of Chicago in the suburb of River Forest, is a Christian liberal arts institution. It is a member ... see job
Director, Research Computing Services see job
BSC is one of the largest and most exciting centers for higher education in the commonwealth. Here in our idyllic setting, ... see job
Azusa Pacific University seeks applications for Assistant/Associate Professor of Global Studies. see job
Hofstra University’s Department of Sociology invites applications for an anticipated tenure-track position at the rank of ... see job
The University of Minnesota is a premier employer and a talent magnet attracting leading faculty and staff from around the ... see job
General Info: Tenure-track, Assistant Professor in Finance. Teaching needs are in the area of Business Finance, ... see job
The University of California Riverside invests in your future through employee training and career development, access to ... see job
MT. HOOD COMMUNITY COLLEGE EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITY To be considered as an applicant, you must apply directly on MHCC’s job ... see job
Alternative
I understand that the Coalition in Iraq is still hiring private contractors—good pay, useful work.
C.C. Nacilbuper, at 8:30 am EST on January 30, 2007