This year, Harvard accepted only about 9 percent of those who applied, and Columbia University took an even lower percentage. What are these incoming students like? Are they all genius athletes arranged in an ethnically diverse spectrum?

At U of All People, where we understand the publicity value of such standards -- and like a good challenge -- we’ve set our goal even higher: Next year, we intend to accept only 5 percent of those who apply to our fabled university. However, in order to attract that many applicants, we’ll need to lower our admissions criteria somewhat. Here’s what we’re looking for:

• a minimum SAT score of 400, calculated with a special bonus system that rewards extra effort
• a GPA of at least 1.5, with special consideration given to vocational skills
• a varsity letter—or some experience—in sports, with the term sports broadly defined to include Texas Hold ’Em, video games, and yodeling
• at least one extracurricular activity: may encompass shopping and watching most television serials
• community service, with special credit for parole activities
• proficiency in at least one language, such as English
• a vaguely ethnic look, if not true ethnicity (may be waived upon lawsuit)
• a geographical location for place of residence, including foreign countries with whom the U.S. is not currently at war
• a median family income of some median or other
• a high school diploma or a reasonable facsimile thereof
• an application at least two-thirds completed, or to the best of the applicant’s ability

Of course, if we don’t manage to attract such qualified applicants, we have our fallback position: our famous 100% acceptance rate -- “Educational democracy in action!” -- at U of All People, where enrollment is a way of life and our top priority.

Student success is important, but access to students is even more so.