Higher education in the express lane (essay)
Welcome to College Express -- the college where you can complete your four-year degree in three or even two years! Our motto is Commodum, vivos, facile*, and we think you’ll agree! Here are just a few of our innovative features:
We are constantly streamlining academic departments and majors, to bring you just the essentials.
All of our classes are accelerated. Classes that were already accelerated have been further accelerated.
We have the best transfer policy in our corner of the state: We’ve dropped all core-curricular requirements for transfer students! That’s right: now you can have a diploma from a liberal arts school even if you haven’t taken any classes in art, history, or languages. And for those of you who started your college careers with us, we want to be fair, so we’re working -- constantly -- to pare down your requirements, too!
We offer hundreds of online courses, thanks to the consortium we’ve joined! While College Express has not yet directly participated in the creation of any of the 700 courses, it is proud to act as a broker -- proud to act as your education broker.**
We also give course credit for MOOC certificates of completion. We understand that there is some controversy as to whether it is actually a certificate or merely a letter of completion, but at College Express, such things don’t matter! Certificates, letters, badges -- just forward them to us, and we’ll find a way to make them count.
We have a beautifully landscaped campus. It is true that we now occupy only one building, having sold off all dorms, the library, the art gallery, the humanities building, and the science building, but the view remains stunning. The former cafeteria is now “Your One-Stop Campus.” Should you wish to visit us in person, just follow the driveway lined with plastic pennants.
Too busy to stop by in person? We offer personalized online, phone, and fax service. Just contact our new friendly Call Center, located in the heart of “One Stop,” for all of your registration and advising needs. The center is open 24 hours a day. Be assured that all of our operators are former faculty members.
And you can also be assured that we will continue to offer a sampling of traditional courses. A storage area in the basement has been converted into two classrooms. One great new feature of College Express is that classes will now run through the night. (That is correct -- no more daytime classes -- we hope that you are as excited as we are.)
Finally, the graduation ceremony itself will be a thing of the past. However, we understand that some of you may still wish to come to campus to receive your degrees. Just stop by the drive-through window, conveniently located on the west side of One Stop (for those familiar with the old campus, the ticket office of what was once the performing-arts theater).
We trust that you will be as delighted as we are to embrace these changes. Now, let’s all make it a great (half) year at College Express.
*“Convenient, quick, easy.” Source: Satisfied student in parking lot outside College Express.
** Check your Sunday paper for our flier with special tuition-remission coupons.
Carolyn Foster Segal is an adjunct at Muhlenberg College and a book-group facilitator for the Pennsylvania Humanities Council.