May 6

Mothering at Mid-Career: What do you need?

By Libby Gruner

A month or two ago I received an email asking me to fill out a survey. I usually delete these, but this one was from a colleague, noting that the university had contracted with a consultant to
administer the survey, which was on balancing work and family life. I clicked right over to it; this is one of my hot-button issues, after all, as I figure it is for most working parents.

Half-way into the survey, as I found myself again and again clicking “not applicable” or some version thereof, I realized that I no longer fit the common stereotype of the working parent. One of my children is about to graduate from high school this year; the other is finishing up elementary school. I no longer need a lactation room, on-site daycare, or reduced work hours to be with an infant. I don’t need a referral to a good nanny, or a preschool that’s open in the summer, or help installing a carseat. On the other end of the spectrum covered by the survey, I also don’t need help caring for aging parents; my own very active parents live 500 miles away and are so far taking care of themselves, thank you very much.

And yet this morning as I sent off the deposit for my daughter’s college of choice, and a registration form for my son’s summer camp (one of five we’re piecing together for this summer), I felt a brief twinge of nostalgia for the days when I did need the lactation room and the daycare center (not, of course, that I had them then). Those days, it seems to me now, were relatively simple. I knew what my children’s needs were, for the most part, and I did my best to meet them. I knew (with a little less clarity) what the demands of my career were, too, and I did my best to meet them, earning tenure with the requisite number of articles, courses taught, service
commitments.

At mid-career the picture isn’t as clear. The service obligations ramped up right after tenure — as everyone said they would — at the same time that the children, now in elementary and middle school, needed after-school care and summer camps to fill in the hours previously covered by daycare. There was a new project to begin researching, and children whose conversation I now found so intriguing, so important, really, that I couldn’t just ask them to come back later, when I was less busy; later, when I could be interrupted. “Later” doesn’t really work either for research or for the existential questions of teenagerhood, I find.

I appreciated that the survey had an option that read something like “I don’t need this, but we should have it,” and I checked it over and over again for the lactation room, the onsite daycare, the flexible scheduling, the help with caring for aged parents. But when it came to asking for what I really needed, I was stymied. Sure, after-school programs on campus would be nice for my younger child, as would summer programs (he’s doing two weeks of summer camp on campus
already). There was some help available for the college application process with my daughter, though we ended up going it mostly alone. Could we have used more? Maybe. But the real demands of this period of parenting, as of this period in a career, seem to me more amorphous, less easily solved with one-size-fits-all programs and policies. Mostly right now I just feel as if I have to be paying very close attention, at all times, to everything — which means, no doubt, that something will inevitably give. Is just recognizing that enough?

Comments

Libby, thank you so much for writing this blog for us. As someone who is still firmly in the lactation-and-childcare phase of parenting, I must admit I’m a little worried to hear that “those days were relatively simple” compared to what lies ahead!

But I look forward to reading this, and learning a bit about what’s in store for me and for so many others, down the road.

Elrena, Coeditor at Mama, PhD, at 8:30 am EDT on May 6, 2008

the simple life

I agree with Libby that the days of lactation and childcare were relatively simple compared to the days of teenage dilemmas, but that doesn’t mean they were easy; I think she meant mostly that they required less thought. When everything you do in your life as an academic demands a high level of complex thought, it’s like reading for too long without looking into the distance to rest your eyes—you can get to feeling over-extended and strained before you know it.

Jeanne, Kenyon College, at 10:05 am EDT on May 6, 2008

What do you need?

I think my wife got it right when she said, “I need a wife".

Bob, at 12:10 pm EDT on May 6, 2008

the simple life

Elrena, Jeanne’s got it right—it’s less physically taxing these days, but some days the intellectual changes are really wearing. Still, physical exhaustion saps mental energy, too—I remember days when, really, all I could muster in the way of conversation was “where’s your pretty smile?”

Bob, we all want a wife, don’t we?

Libby, at 12:55 pm EDT on May 6, 2008

exhaustion

“Paying attention at all times” is exhausting and nerve wracking! As I contemplate the move from a 10 month job to a 12 month, I began to consider the consequences of leaving teenagers home all summer without direct attention from mom, and it is making my stomach hurt. Now I wonder if the university has part time jobs for my teens to do while I work—teencare instead of childcare?

terry, at 10:20 pm EDT on May 6, 2008

Can It Be Done?

I am currently a PhD student and mother to two daughters, 7 and 8 years old. I would like to wrk part-time by teaching adjunct until my girls leave for college and then compete for a tenure track position. That means when I go on the job market I will be about 8 years out of school and about 45 yrs old. Do I have a chance of competing for a tenure track position at that time? Obviously, I’d need to continually teach part-time and publish and present at conferences. But, even with that activity, do I have a chance of getting hired for the tenure-track?

PhD Student Mom, at 5:00 am EDT on May 8, 2008

At almost 42 I started my part-time PhD program last year (which I hope to be done when my 10 yo graduates from HS — so, I’ll be, ummm 49 when I’m done??). I’ve been an adjunct at 2 different universities for the past 14 years, and I have a full-time job. My daughters are 7 and 10 — and are terrific kids. But I couldn’t possibly do this without my hubby who has a flexible work schedule...however...

We discussed my starting a PhD program right after the 7 yo was born. We waited until she was in Kindergarten for me to start. I absolutely love my program — but he’s finding it hard to be home with the kids in the evening. I am gone two nights a week (one night for the class I take, one night for the adjunct class I teach). He works weekends and is tired of it and, although he hasn’t said anything directly to me, he’s told my friends’ husbands (who then came back and told me) that he really wish I didn’t go back. I have 8 more years to go!

He has a BA (we met in college), made two attempts at grad school which didn’t work out, stayed home with our younger daughter when she was identified with special needs (I had to go back to work full time since I made more money). He’s now worried that I’ll get my PhD, be tired of him (he has said that) and leave, and he won’t have financial resources since he’s depending on me. We’ve been together for 23 years and our 16th wedding anniversary is tomorrow!

Oh, I really didn’t intend for this to be a gripe-fest. I adore my husband and children, and absolutely love being in school. I really am glad to see that this blog is here, and I look forward to the posts from the bloggers!

knezmom, at 11:35 am EDT on May 8, 2008

“but we should have it”

Libby, I thought it was interesting to hear about how you do not always know what you need. Until I came into the experience of being a mama (of a girl age 4 and a boy age 1), I really had no idea what I needed — and then it was a little too late to organize and agitate for it ;) So, I think it is important to respond “I don’t need it, but we should have it.”

I teach a course on the anthropology of reproduction, and I see its value not only in terms of anthropology, but also encouraging college women (and men, if they would enroll, but that is another story) to imagine what they should be entitled to, not just how to cope with what they are allowed.

Sallie, at 2:25 pm EDT on May 8, 2008