Archives for Mama PhD

It seems that to force our children to go to school, in my mind, is somewhat unfair. Luck has a huge role in everything as you know. But how does one force their child to go to school if he/she isn’t ready or lucky enough to have all the pieces fit at that specific time. Idealy we all want what’s best for our children, however what’s best may be to get into trouble for a few years before they grow up. One of my professors once said she “would probably have given up” if she was as unlucky as me. I’m pretty certain i replied with a grumble at the time. Now, looking back,i should have said: “yes,I’m extremely unlucky. But that will make my victory far sweeter than the luckiest person alive.” I loved this post and please keep writing:)

second2ndchance, at 8:45 pm EDT on June 1, 2008

I strongly relate to the questions posed here. Although I never struggled with the issue of timing re: wanting a baby, I constantly struggled with a sense of not belonging — of being an imposter — and wondering if I should have remained in my successful career in the non-profit sector. (Perhaps the feeling of not belonging is more acutely felt among women in ivy league or old/traditional universities? I went to Oxford). While I just successfully finished and defended my doctoral thesis — a feat I accomplished out of pure/raw persistence — I’m now left wondering what it is I want to do with my hard-won degree.... While I don’t regret my decision to finish — it was v. difficult but rewarding — I do think I would have been better served if I had had a clearer/better informed idea of what it was I wanted from the experience and the degree — and reassessed this on an ongoing basis....

Caroline, at 11:00 pm EDT on May 19, 2008

Thank you for the thoughtful and eloquent comments, Caroline and Megan! What powerful statements about our various paths and perspectives.

I so agree with Caroline that continual self-assessment is so important in helping us feel that at least we are going in the right direction, whether or not we know exactly where it will lead us. The values clarification can be so valuable at any point in the process. You can still do it now, too, Caroline, as you decide your next steps.

I also so agree with Megan that there is rarely ever one “right choice.” So many circumstances and factors make up every decision, and our best bet is to make our best choice in the moment and move forward. I do think the values clarification/ self-assessment can help us feel clearer about our choices, though — and articulate to ourselves why a decision is the right one for us.

As for regret, I appreciate that we all may have different perspectives on that concept, too. Let it go, accept it as given — whatever approach we can each take to be able to live fully and find some inner peace in this complicated world of ours.

I’ve been reading up on the recent academic studies on happiness, which basically show that we are in many ways hard-wired with our perspectives, or baseline happiness. But we can take steps to “up” or maintain our happiness through doing some conscious work on how we live and take care of ourselves.

Megan Pincus Kajitani, at 9:15 am EDT on May 20, 2008

Drop out consideration

Thank you Amanda for sharing your question. I would love to hear what you decided to do.

I have just begun a doctoral program (in the end of my first quarter) and though the program is great, and I have learned a tremendous amount already, I have been personally miserable. My fiance and I just moved to California and he lives up north, while I live in LA. It has been so hard for me that he is building a separate life from me. My heart breaks every single day.

I very much want to drop out and move up north and just get a job, but he is strongly opposed to it. He is certain that I will regret it forever (as I basically regret almost every professional choice I make). I have low self-esteem about my career in general so getting into this program was a huge accomplishment for me. However, the emotional pain of this living situation just feels not worth it for the degree.

When I think about my priorities, they are about being happy, and right now I am so far away from that. I used to value my “career” over everything else, but as I am one year from being 30 and motherhood is my ultimate priority, getting this degree feels like I am going in the wrong direction.

I really am not sure what the “right” decision is for me. Any feedback or advice you all may have would be greatly appreciated.

Lindsay, at 8:25 am EST on November 15, 2008

I think you have the wrong mental picture of May. What you were really thinking about was June. May always fills up because people are (mentally if not actually) on vacation in June so you have to do everything in May. April (usually) is preempted by Holy Week and Easter so you can’t schedule a lot then and, as I said, June is too late, so May gets it all. Learn to live with it!

Chris, May be, at 9:20 am EDT on May 20, 2008

I absolutely agree with you, Susan! It can be tough, in such a competitive and goal-oriented atmosphere, to stay focused on the journey, but in my last couple years of graduate school I found myself continually checking in with myself, making sure that the process was still satisfying even if I didn’t go for a tenure track job. I’ve been lucky enough to find rewarding work outside of academia (though it did take a few years) and I think you and the other ABCs bloggers offer a good example for those looking outside the ivory tower.

Caroline, Co-editor, Mama, PhD at independent, at 6:15 pm EDT on May 21, 2008

Super and Parenting

I’ve already shared this unknown author quote in response to another blog today, but it feels appropriate to do it again in relation to not feeling super prepared, etc.:

“To decide to have a child is to decide to have your heart walk around outside of your body forever.”

As parents, we are super in other ways.

Ken Bielen, Dir. of Grants Management at Indiana Wesleyan University, at 10:55 am EDT on May 27, 2008

parenting and academe

Libby, you make great points about the silly comments on the academe and parenthood article. Children are not just the responsibility (or the “problem") of their mothers. However, why is this group blog called “Mama Ph.D."? Why are there only women academics here (at least so far as I’ve seen) who write about their children and parenting, many of whom are not regular tenured or tenure-track faculty? I applaud your efforts to get us talking and thinking about these issues, but it seems like you and your fellow contributors are perpetuating the stereotypes that you (righteously) call out in this post.

On the one hand, it’s a reality that women cluster in the ranks of “special” and “temporary” faculty, while men still dominate the tenure lines. On the other, calling a blog “Mama Ph.D.” seems to feed the stereotypes that are in part responsible for this hierarchy among women and men faculty. Why is this blog a pink hood and mortarboard ghetto? Dean Dad and some of the other male bloggers occasionally write about their families, but their blogs are nominally about their professional concerns. Why is the only blog here written by women called “Mama” before “Ph.D.?”

Ann M. Little, Associate Professor, History at Colorado State University, at 10:50 am EDT on May 27, 2008

“many of whom are not regular tenured or tenure-track faculty?”

Many of them are not faculty AT ALL. (Libby Gruner is.)

Ann is absolutely right. It would be different, perhaps, if women wrote a reasonable proportion of blogs, news stories and opinions at IHE, but look at the bylines — they are overwhelmingly male.

jcl, researcher, at 2:35 pm EDT on May 27, 2008

children are not a problem

I do think it’s interesting when childless people see having children as someone else’s problem. I wonder who they think will be taking care of them in their old age? It will be someone else’s children and the childless should think about what they want that experience to be like!

Physiology Mama PhD, at 8:35 am EDT on May 28, 2008

Wonderful, on-target post—my blood pressure is back down as well. My career teaching college has allowed me the opportunity to be both the parent I want to be, and the professional as well. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. And, I might add, parenting HAS helped me become a better teacher—I know this for certain,

Alissa, at 10:15 pm EDT on May 28, 2008

Mid-Career Parenting

Perhaps because I made the transition from administrator to faculty after having had our son at age 30, I gave little thought about how being a mother would be a “problem.” Sure, there are the obvious biological differences to consider, but shouldn’t we all be role models for our students who may chose having demanding careers and personal lives that may or may not include having children?

Couples should not have to chose careers over families or having families to the detriment of their careers. I do not believe it to be a matter of balance but interactive symmetry which changes over time in response to situational changes in our lives and influenced by our own values and priorities. In the past, that symmetry favored men’s careers and their significant others attended to home and family matters. In fact, I wonder how many men sat around worrying how fatherhood would have been problematic for their careers back in those days?

However, times have changed; today, both men and women seek greater work and family symmetry in their lives. Consequently, our institutions need to become responsive to its employees’ needs for this life symmetry, regardless of gender, in order to recruit and retain those whom they value and need.

Although I did not plan our second child while working on my dissertation, having her in our lives has been such a blessing. We have continued our careers in academe and, in my case, on the tenure-track. I have no regrets wanting and working to have our family and pursuing our individual careers. I believe doing both has made me more emphatic as I see my students striving to negotiate symmetry in their lives.

OSUPhd2004, Associate Professor, Education at Regional State University, at 4:45 pm EDT on May 29, 2008

Thank you— 2 boys during full time tenure track?

It sounds like my experience of having two babies since my Ph.D. and working in a tenure track line full time is quite unique. I must say that I had 1 child in a comprehensive university in a department that had not had a child born in 18 years! The were unfriendly and yes I left to a research university that has until now welcome my second baby, now 2. I do worry about tenure and yes, I restarted my tenure clock, but family makes me a more complete person, and I agree a better professor and researcher. I do still feel they view children as a problem but they have been accepting. Of course, I was told about the story of another older full professor who had a baby and went back to work after 2 weeks? Crazy!!! Having a family and a tenure-track appointment is possible. It can be done but it is hard and stressful but REWARDING. We need more discussion about why this is the only field where having children is an issue! We need more discussion about slowing your clock and how you can guarantee it will not hurt you as you go up for tenure. We just need more support from those of you who have gone through it successfully and are now full professors, where are YOU?

Claudia, Ph.D., at 9:45 pm EDT on June 2, 2008

I am a grad student and mother of a 10 month old, working on my dissertation and going on the job market this fall, and I just stumbled onto this blog today. I was thrilled to find it — but then dismayed to note that only three of the nine bloggers are actually working in academia. This certainly seems to corroborate Scott Jaschik’s piece. I appreciate Libber Grunner’s thoughtful response, but what about the message being sent by the imbalance on this blog? The predominance of writers who have chosen to leave academia is really disheartening to someone hoping to integrate an academic life with life as a mom — which is what this blog is ostensibly about, no?

kristen, at 4:25 pm EDT on June 4, 2008

not so simple

Great thoughts on the challenges of a simple life. And it is so easy to overlook the benefits. Maybe I “lose” thirty minutes walking to the daycare instead of driving, but what do I gain in time to enjoy the flowers and the bugs with my child, in time to let my thoughts wander? Maybe I get to my desk with more emotional energy for the day’s work and I discover that those the thirty minutes weren’t misplaced after all.

ph, at 7:05 pm EDT on June 8, 2008

Sounds like heaven, Della! I’m glad you get this time.

Caroline, Co-editor, Mama, PhD at independent, at 9:40 am EDT on June 1, 2008

I second the housecleaning advice

Even if you have a small house, I second this opinion “if you need and can afford someone to clean your big house so you have more quality time with your kid, do it!”

Is time with your kid (say 2 hours a week) worth $50-$100? If so, call in the maids! If you schedule the maids to come when you can actually spend time with your kids, you won’t regret a single penny!

Physiology Mama PhD, at 2:30 pm EDT on June 2, 2008