In which a veteran of cultural studies seminars in the 1990s moves into academic administration and finds himself a married suburban father of two. Foucault, plus lawn care.
“The President can’t make it. Can you step in for him? It starts in ten minutes.”
That isn’t the worst. I’ve actually been called on to “say a few words” on the spot. That’s always a little unnerving.
I mostly write about either the management dilemmas of my job, or the larger structural issues that underlie them. But there’s also a ceremonial aspect to the job. Sometimes, you have to be the public face of the college. Presidents expect that, of course, and they’re always the first choice. But sometimes the President’s schedule doesn’t permit, and suddenly, it’s showtime.
It gets less scary the more it happens, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit having to pause a bit each time.
Over the last few years, I’ve developed a few rules of thumb for spontaneous speeches. I’d love to hear more from readers who regularly deal with this sort of thing.
-- Audience, audience, audience. If it’s a graduation ceremony, or an orientation, or a celebration of something-or-another, they aren’t there to hear you. The “few words” are purely ritualistic. To the extent that they can include a reference to why they’re there, all the better. Brevity is your friend. Serve the purpose of the gathering, and it’ll be okay.
-- Flattery. When in doubt, flatter the audience. Since the occasions at which spontaneous speeches tend to be celebratory, in one form or another, this is usually easy.
-- Simplicity. This is not the time to show off your vocabulary. Clear, direct, simple.
-- Safe humor. This is tricky, and it’s where years of practice in the classroom really pay off. The safest humor is self-deprecating. Avoid puns, irony, and complexity. I also avoid “jokes.” Better to find humor in your own fish-out-of-water moments -- relatable, but safe -- then to try to pass as a comedian. Doing comedy well is astonishingly hard, and watching a wannabe comedian bomb is physically painful.
-- Quotes. I generally avoid them, since they often come off as clunky and pretentious. To the extent that I do use them, they’re simple, and usually in the context of telling a very brief story. Never, ever, ever, under penalty of death, quote a dictionary. Ever.
-- Positive. In the words of Ren and Stimpy, “happy happy joy joy.” (That’s the kind of quote I’ll actually use.) The spontaneous speech is not the time to plumb the depths of your soul. Be positive, flattering, and brief, and sit the hell down.
Wise and worldly readers -- there’s the flattery! -- have you found graceful ways to handle spontaneous speeches?
Search for Jobs