There’s a lot I’d like to say, but I don’t have the strength at the moment to say them that way I want to.
This has been a really rough semester for me. It started off strong, but November and December have basically broken me, both physically and mentally. I didn’t get any job interviews at the MLA. Not one. I’ve been sick more often than I haven’t been the past six weeks, largely, I imagine, due to stress. I am unsure now what my future is in higher education, because this, the way things are, is unsustainable.
I am looking forward to the holidays, but I also know that it won’t be very restful. I have two MLA presentations to write, a completely new class to prep for, DHWI, travel to and from the MLA, travel to and from home in Montreal, travel to and from Maryland, a book review, and various other things. I am bringing more books with me than I care to admit (or want to actually lug around with me). But I am also carrying with me a heavy feeling of malaise as I am no longer sure where I belong or what I want to do moving forward.
But my kids are healthy and happy, as is marriage. I think that once all these other responsibilities are over, I am just going to concentrate on working on my manuscript and my teaching. None of this other stuff that I keep agreeing to do seems to be helping me professionally, so I will meet the obligations of what I have agreed to do, and then…Well, I don’t know.
I would just like to thank many of you who have reached out to me to share your thoughts and words of support, both here in the comments, on Twitter, and via email. These are gifts that I treasure. It strengthens me to know that my words have provoked, inspired, and resonated with so many of you. For a girl who grew up being repeatedly told that she was too loud, too opinionated, and spoke out too much, it’s nice to know that there are people who appreciate it.
May we all find peace, comfort, and joy this holiday season.
I’ll see you in the New Year, “live” from Boston for #MLA13.