Hamilton's Online Education Rap Battle #1

The issue on the table.

April 8, 2018

[Provost Washington:]

Ladies and gentlemen, you coulda been anywhere today, but you're here with us debating the future of online education at our University .Are you ready for a campus meeting?

The issue on the table: Director Hamilton's plan to grow online education. Professor Jefferson, you have the floor, sir

[Professor Jefferson:]

“Faculty autonomy, shared governance, and small face-to-face courses."

We fought for these ideals; we should resist outside forces

These are wise words, tenured professors quote 'em

Don't act surprised, you guys, 'cause even grad students know 'em

[Professor Jefferson:]

But Director Hamilton forgets

His plan to grow online education would be a risky bet

Now, place your bets as to who that benefits:

The very administration where Hamilton sits

[Director Hamilton:]

Not true!

[Professor Jefferson:]

Ooh, if the mouse fits, use it

If the University needs to differentiate —

Why should the professors bear it? Uh! Our courses are fully enrolled, I'm afraid

Don't make the faculty teach online 'cause we got it made in the shade

In our departments, student demand for our courses is insane

We educate face-to-face. You just wanna make us teach through a screen

This online education plan is an outrageous demand

And it's too many damn slides for any PhD to understand

Stand with me in support of residential education

And pray to God we never see Hamilton's online learning plan come to fruition

Look, when the Provost tried to make us teach on Friday, we got frisky

Moving into online education is infinitely more risky

[Provost Washington:]

Thank you, Professor Jefferson

Director Hamilton, your response

[Director Hamilton:]

Professor Thomas. That was a real nice soliloquy

Welcome to the present, we're running a real university

Would you like to join us and get practical

Doin' whatever the hell it is you do while on sabbatical?

If we prioritize online programs, the University gets

A new source of revenue, a financial reset

How do you not get it? If we're aggressive and competitive

The University gets a boost. You'd rather give it a sedative?

An institutional resilience lesson from a professor. Hey neighbor

Your small seminars are full because most students are taught by adjunct labor

"We teach students. We educate."

Yeah, keep ranting

We know who's really doing the teaching

And another thing, Dr. Professor of Teaching Tradition

Don't lecture me about the downsides of online learning, this is a new generation.

You think I'm worried about controversies involving a professor?

I come to work each day without the protections of tenure

Your job security must be a pleasure

Professor Thomas Jefferson, always hesitant to innovate

Reticent—there isn't a new plan he won't try to eliminate

Professor Madison, you're mad as the Registrar, son, take your medicine

Damn, you're in worse shape than the capital campaign

Sittin' there useless as a text-heavy PowerPoint

Hey, look at my online learning revenue projections, you won’t have to squint

[Provost Washington:]

Excuse me? Professor Madison, Professor Jefferson, take a walk! Director Hamilton, take a walk! We'll reconvene after a brief recess. Director Hamilton!

[Director Hamilton:]


[Provost Washington:]

A word

[Professor Madison:]

You don't have enough faculty support

[Professors Jefferson/Madison:]

You don't have enough faculty support

[Professor Jefferson:]

Aha-ha-ha ha ha!

[Professors Jefferson/Madison:]

You're gonna need faculty approval and you don't have the support

[Professor Jefferson:]

Such a clueless administrator sometimes it makes me wonder why I even bring the thunder

[Professor Madison:]

Why he even brings the thunder…

[Provost Washington:]

You wanna pull yourself together?

[Director Hamilton:]

I'm sorry, these full professors are birds of a feather

[Provost Washington:]

Young man, I’m a full professor, so watch your tone

[Director Hamilton:]

So we let the University get held hostage by a few faculty that are impossible to dethrone?

[Provost Washington:]

You need the faculty support

[Director Hamilton:]

No, we need to follow the recommendations of this online education report

We need this new tuition dollars that distance learning provokes

[Provost Washington:]

No, you need to convince more tenured folks

[Director Hamilton:]

Professor James Madison won't teach online, that's a nonstarter

[Provost Washington:]

Blogging is easy, young man

Building new online programs is harder

[Director Hamilton:]

A few vocal faculty won't see that change is occurring before their eyes

[Provost Washington:]

You have to find a compromise

[Director Hamilton:]

But they don't have a plan to ensure the long-term economic sustainability, they just hate mine!

[Provost Washington:]

Convince them otherwise

[Director Hamilton:]

And what happens if I don't get faculty approval?

[Provost Washington:]

I imagine they'll call for your removal

[Director Hamilton:]


[Provost Washington:]

Figure it out, my associate

That's an order from your provost


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