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Strange goings-on at the new rec center at U of All People (essay)

Getting Physical
July 27, 2012

***GRAND OPENING!!!***

REC CENTRAL, the new privatized phys ed facility at U of All People: a way cool place to get your kicks! Find us in the old but renovated Psych Building! We offer state-of-the-art 24/6 facilities, including free weights, weight-listing, macro-ergonomics, a pool for reflection, a hot-rock-heated classroom, and more fun activities than you can shake your notebooks at! Put down your cell phones and see what all the buzz is about! Now accepting student, faculty, and staff memberships on seven different confusing price levels!

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Yo, in between your classes, check out our classes! What’ve we got? Academic Cycles, Poetry in Motion, Think or Swim, Gut Course, Test Master With Multiple Choice, Digital Workout and Killer Apps for Science Dweebs, Elliptical Integrals and Cardioid Fitness for Math Geeks, Shake It Like a Stripper (the owner’s idea), the All-Nighter, and lots, lots more! GRAND OPENING extended to summer session. Get us while you’re hot!

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Come in and see what our personal trainers have to offer, each and every one a leisure science major with at least a B average! Introducing Lars, our aerobics guy (to replace Phil, whom we wish well in his new major, art). Welcome Natasha, our exchange student from the Ukraine. When she says “Hit ze ground and do ze bush-ops,” you’d better not make fun of her accent! And last but never least — Toshio, fast as a shinkansen and just as punctual. (Also T.A.-ing JAP 101, sections 1 & 2.) If he can’t teach you ju-jitsu, he’ll teach you other useful vocabulary. Still offering GRAND OPENING rates until midterms.

         
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Notice: Today’s 12 p.m. Cardioid Fitness class has been changed to Tai Chi for faculty and staff over 55.

Monday 7:00 p.m. Gut Course has been changed to Grading on the Curve for all of September.

Elliptical Integrals on Tuesday 10/16 at 8:00 p.m. has been canceled due to the Tri-Delta Fashion Show and Zumba Marathon.

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Body Chemistry at 8 p.m. on March 2nd is now being held off-campus. Location TBA. Please support Lars’s tuition and bail fund.

Think or Swim on Thursdays at 5:00 p.m. has been canceled because the pool is being used for Prof. Donaghy’s Ancient Philosophy class.

Killer Apps at 6 p.m. on Wednesday, 10/26, has been changed to Grade Inflation With Julie, an adjunct from the history dept. trying to make ends meet. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Take advantage of our mid-semester specials even after the semester is over!

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Get off the couch, potatoes! Yes, that means you, the whole crew in the Jackson dorm lounge! For you faculty hoping to lose that tenured 15, have we got a benefits package for you! Extending our grand opening offer to November or December, or maybe January.

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Health bar now open at Rec Central, offering a tempting array of all-natural snacks and beverages, including Financial Ade and Academia Nut Bars. For those who need to do better in class: check out our Performance-Plus rack, including Adderall, Sudafed, Red Bull, Provigil, Ritalin, and Alertec.

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Will whoever walked off with Lon Rodriguez’s bio notes by the leg curl stand please return them to locker 113? Do it by Thursday, and no questions asked.

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Note from IT: there is NO webcam in the women’s locker room. What you see is an extra shower nozzle, installed by Tipper Surveillance and Plumbing.

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Regarding the unprofessional attitude displayed by Toshio this past Thursday: Domo sumimasen deshita! Rec Central is seeking a replacement trainer and Japanese instructor as soon as we get back what Toshio took.

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Notice: because of student vandalism, the endowed Roman chair is currently out of order.

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Rec Central now offering credit hours for all fitness courses such as calculus (higher functioning), the Roman Empire (historical cycles), and geology (rock-climbing).

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Rec Central offers special rates for:

            * anyone emeritus or emerita.

            * anyone under the age of 2

            * anyone with a university ID card

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Rec Central is GOING OUT OF BUSINESS. Thank you for a great nine months! All remaining gym memberships will be honored at the old Student Recreation center, a convenient one hundred yards away from Rec Central.

Bio

David Galef directs the creative writing program at Montclair State University. His latest book is the short story collection My Date with Neanderthal Woman (Dzanc Books).

 

 

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