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This form -- applying for a small grant to support hiring a professional indexer for my book in the spring -- asked me to submit my budget for the last grant I received from the University Research Grants Committee, whether or not I’d ever applied for such a grant before (*required question). It felt somewhat exposing to submit a completely blank document just to get the form turned in, so I made a fake budget for an imaginary retroactive grant covering the COVID summer.
Research Grants Budget Justification Template
Project Title: Help It’s 2020
Project dates: 3/1/20-vaccine
Budget:
|
Description |
Subtotal |
|
Bourbon, not for Child, but for his parents, and only (well, mostly) after he’s in bed. At least never before lunch. |
500 |
|
Acting classes (so that I can convincingly say things to Child about the natural sciences, for example: “Yes, son, all of this [vague gesture with a corncob pipe I suddenly carry] is limestone, even some of the trees.” |
1,900 |
|
Supplies for home-brewing kombucha, a 3 a.m. brainstorm that produced one large batch of pineapple-flavored vinegar, which we all pretended was “awesome kombucha,” the benefits we could all feel in our “gut health” |
39 |
|
Tums antacid chews for effects of “gut health” |
2.99 |
|
Mail-order monthly chemistry sets that teach lessons about molecules which are far beyond Child’s capacity to understand, but which delight him when “OMG LOOK IT TURNS BLUE!!!” |
39/month, forever |
|
Supplies for family cutting our own hair |
23 |
|
Hats, large high-coverage hats that obscure what we assure you are really wonderful, flattering haircuts |
12 |
|
1,000-piece jigsaw puzzles (13 and counting) |
250 |
|
All the board games in the universe |
600 |
|
Various pillows and stands and ergonomic gadgetry that aim to make it not-unendurable to use the awkwardly-high kitchen table as a desk |
75 |
|
Various Pokémon things |
Lost track |
|
Minecraft things |
40? |
|
A skateboard? You want a skateboard? Of course! Brilliant! Yes! Let’s! (single use) |
50 |
|
A giant kite? Yes! Genius! I’m sure we’ll use it every day! (single use) |
30 |
|
Embroidery kit: “I think this will help me calm down in the evenings” (single-use) |
45 |
|
30 orders of Those Muffins From the Farmers Market (“I fing thezhe will helf mwh ghalm dowmph in thefghenings”) |
300 |
|
Subscription to online exercise program with the cheerful lady (“Chalene”) who encourages us to “go lower,” despite our breathless repeated objections that we cannot go any lower, not with this muffin in our hand, no way no how. (single use) |
29 |
|
Bourbon (did I mention? But this is the lunchtime bourbon.) |
50 |
|
Let’s make our own clothes!!!! |
What are numbers, really. |
|
Therapy |
1,000 |
I’d like to justify this, I really would, but I need to get to that one muffin b/c it’s the bourbon-soaked muffin we made last night and I can’t let Child reach it. I think all of the things up there will yield maybe a chapter of Scholarly Writing? And a new syllabus? Howzaboutit?
Dr. Lauryl Tucker is an associate professor of English at the University of the South (Sewanee) in Sewanee, Tenn. Her scholarship focuses on gender and humor, and she teaches courses in modern/contemporary British and Irish literature. She can be found on Twitter at @LaurylTucker.
