The Fastest Track

Fast-track degrees? You wanna see fast? Carolyn Foster Segal shows you fast.

February 17, 2015

"[M]any adults want to gain a degree and gain re-employment with as little time in the classroom as possible.... College Credit FastTrack will enable these students to complete a life-changing degree program more quickly and at a reduced cost."
--Nicholas Neupauer, president, Butler County Community College
Board Chair, Pennsylvania Commission for Community Colleges, in Feb. 2 news release


Good morning! And welcome to Paradise University’s monthly Skype session!

As president of this institution, I am pleased to announce that the accreditation process is moving along smoothly -- and it is with great pride that I can assure you that Paradise U is well on its way to being recognized as the home of the fastest, easiest, most innovative track yet in higher education!

Speaking of home, I am talking to you this morning from our new physical campus, a gift from local company Less Is More, which repurposes old garden sheds as tiny homes. I’ve been following the Twitter campaign #paradiseugonetohell, and I realize that some alums are distressed by this move from our old campus, but let me tell you about the big things that are happening here in our 400 square feet -- and that does not even include the loft, where our operators are crouched, waiting for your texts.

So, fond greetings to all current, past and prospective students.  I hope that you’ll agree with me that Paradise is in fact the perfect source for purchasing your life-changing degree.

The new directory is now available. You will note that we no longer have academic advisers at Paradise U; several polls suggested that the use of the word “academic” was confusing and off-putting. Instead, we have a staff of brokers who work with students and who report directly to the vice presidents of innovation, international outreach, consortium dealing, and our newest program, Credit for Just About Anything.

Former full-time faculty members -- and I know the vice presidents join me in this sentiment of wishing them all the best; really, they were a wonderful if cantankerous group -- would certainly find it ironic if not surprising to learn that as of the new year all committees have been officially disbanded.

Like maintaining (some former students would say “enduring”!) classrooms and requiring community service, sustaining the illusion of democratic governance by committee was too costly and just slowed things down. In our new administrative system, the V.P.s and their staffs of assistants, subdirectors, site overseers, lawyers and compliance officers hire brokers; create, approve and assign syllabuses to our fine staff of contingent instructors (a lively body of workers that’s always changing); and form alliances with V.P.s of other institutions that share our mission -- a mission that is constantly evolving.

See our new mission statement, “First in Fast,” which replaces last month’s “Fast, Faster, Fastest.” In the spirit of our newest mission, I am happy to announce that our international program is growing by leaps and bounds. You may recall that Paradise was the leader in arguing that the TOEFL requirement should be obsolete!  

Our brokers are available 24/7 to help you find the perfect courses for your needs. As for any classes you took elsewhere before discovering Paradise, rest assured that we will automatically count them all. We have long prided ourselves on having the most generous transfer system in the world! Your personal broker will determine which of your life experiences will count as well. Again, please don’t worry! You wouldn’t believe all the stories we’ve accepted for credit! See our app Enter Paradise for a checklist of personal experiences.

We offer over 300 graduate programs, along with 200 undergrad programs, including our 1-year B.A., and countless certificate programs -- all cobbled together from offerings from various schools in our grand consortium. And with our new Paradise Plus EvenFasterTrack, you can now earn two (or even three!) degrees at once. Your broker will be happy to give you the details. Be sure to check out testimonials from recent graduates (@paradise #ParadiseFound).

If you’re still not sure that Paradise is for you, you can sample one of our new pilot programs. During the month of February, get three credits for watching one TED Talk! (Do the math, if you can: TED Talks are 18 minutes long, so that’s 1 credit for every 6 minutes of watching YouTube.)

Before I let you return to your busy lives, I have a message for everyone still enrolled in our liberal arts division: the deadline for all completed midterm exams is March 1, 2015, 4:00 p.m. GMT. Remember to use @paradise #mydeepesthought.

Thank you for your interest and support. Paradise is here for you: we can help you make your life-changing move quickly, painlessly and effortlessly. We’d also like to point out that the word “education” appears only once in this talk, just after “higher” in the opening lines, and we hope that you will be inspired to join us.


Carolyn Foster Segal is a professor emerita of English at Cedar Crest College.


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