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Scene: Mary Slaughter, director of media relations, reads and responds to an email from a faculty member.*
From: Howard Bannister
CC: Judy Maxwell, Eunice Burns
To: Media Relations
Date: January 26, 3:00 a.m.
Subject: Press Release on Igneous Rock Research
Dear Murray,
I’m Dr. Howard Bannister, professor of geology and musicology, writing on behalf of Department Chair Judy Maxwell and Dean Eunice Burns, who implored me to write you with my exciting news. Please issue a press release about my paper on igneous rocks and music, “Lucky Seven: Modes and Mohs,” presented at the National Association of Igneous Rock Musicologists conference last fall. The article is attached. I am also available for interviews.
Sincerely,
Howard Bannister, Ph.D.
Professor of Geology and Musicology
“Rocks rock harder!”
***
Slaughter: (Sighs, hits “reply all” and types furiously by banging on the keyboard as if using a manual typewriter.)
Dear Dr. Bannister,
This is the dumbest idea for a press release I’ve ever heard. The media doesn’t give two sh*ts about a conference paper and your theories on major scales and their correlation to rock hardness.
Slaughter: (Deletes, mutters a series of expletives under her breath and starts over)
Dear Dr. Bannister,
Please let me know when you have something of actual interest to the public.
Slaughter: (Deletes and thinks out loud) If I sent a press release about this, no reporter would want to talk to me ever again. No reporter in their right mind would ever write about this. This isn’t a story; it’s an announcement. And why is he calling me Murray? My name is Mary. Jeez, I’m not Murray Slaughter—this isn’t The f*cking Mary Tyler Moore Show. How would he feel if I just randomly called him Steve? Damn it. (Refocuses. Chants.) Must respond politely. Must respond politely. (Takes a deep breath and starts over.)
From: Media Relations
To: Howard Bannister
Cc: Judy Maxwell, Eunice Burns
Date: January 26, 8:15 a.m.
Re: Press Release on Igneous Rock Research
Dear Dr. Bannister,
Congratulations on presenting your paper at such a prestigious conference. It’s always wonderful to hear about the research of our faculty members being celebrated by other academicians. We’ll be sure to list your accomplishment in the campus newsletter and the alumni magazine.
Unfortunately, we will not be able to issue a press release. Press releases are reserved for stories about subjects that are new, timely and have a human interest component and an element of the extraordinary. For faculty, we generally issue press releases for significant achievement, major recognition or groundbreaking research of interest to the public. One example might be how the sound of cannon fire bouncing off igneous rocks helped Union troops locate Confederate troops during the Civil War. Another example might be a five- or six-figure grant from the Frederick Larrabee Foundation for early music and igneous rocks.
In the meantime, I hope you will allow me to place your name on my list of subject matter experts if an occasion arises where the media needs a quote or opinion relative to igneous rocks and music. Doing so will help establish you with the media. I understand there is some debate about the choices of materials for a new monument in Washington, D.C. Perhaps you’d like to weigh in?
Again, thank you for letting our office know about the paper.
Regards,
Mary Slaughter
Director of Media Relations
She/her/hers
Slaughter: (Hits send and phone rings.) Hello, Slaughter speaking.
Vice President of Student Affairs Edna Garrett: Mary. This is Edna Garrett. We’ve got a situation. There is a COVID outbreak on campus. Right now, 500 faculty, staff and students have tested positive. We need you in President Van Hoskins’s conference in one hour for a meeting of the Emergency Response Team.
Slaughter: OK. I’ll be there. (Hangs up. Computer dings indicating new email. Opens email and reads.)
From: Howard Bannister
Cc: Judy Maxwell, Eunice Burns, Randall Hosquith
To: Media Relations
Date: January 26, 8:18 a.m.
Re: Press Release on Igneous Rock Research
Dear Murray,
Dr. Maxwell, Dr. Burns and I have discussed your response. We have decided the presentation is newsworthy and demand you issue a press release immediately. Provost Hosquith, copied here, has been briefed on the situation and is in complete agreement with us. I’ve attached a two-page rationale about why you should issue the press release.
For your information, your example regarding sound and igneous rocks would be a topic for physics, not geology and musicology. Furthermore, I did win a grant from the Larrabee Foundation several years ago to conduct further research on the use of igneous rocks by early humans to produce music. This was prior to the merger of the Conservatory of Music and the University. Your predecessor declined to write a press release and I have never forgotten the level of disrespect associated with the incident. It was a missed opportunity, just as this would be for the university today.
Also, commenting on materials being used in a monument beneath my expertise and stature. I’m insulted that you deigned to ask.
Sincerely,
Howard Bannister, Ph.D.
Professor of Geology and Musicology
“Rocks rock harder!”
Slaughter: (Sighs, rolls eyes, closes computer and says aloud) Why are some people so hell-bent on being treated with respect but unwilling to respect the expertise of others? I can’t even right now.
*The names of all individuals and institutions are fictional. RIP Peter Bogdanovich (1939–2022). Thank you for giving us the film What’s Up, Doc? (1972).
