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The U of All People psychology faculty comprises an idiosyncratic bunch of individuals, or, as the department chair recently put it, twenty-five different pains in the neck, though neck wasn’t the word used.
Professor Arnold distrusts all cognitive psychologists; Professor Baird won’t speak to Professor Cohn; Professor Handel perceives maternal rejection everywhere; Professor Garrett sits as far from Professor Rand as possible; Professor Llewen speaks only to certain individuals on certain days; Professor Abbott relies solely on reverse psychology; and all suspect each other’s motives.
Not surprisingly, the language in departmental meetings is difficult to read, even for veterans who’ve been teaching at U of All People for decades, and the proceedings really deserve a translation. In return for a modest travel voucher, the psycholinguist Martin Baffle has provided a rough equivalency chart for all future meetings:
| Utterance | Implication |
| Let’s come to order. | This meeting should’ve started 15 minutes ago. |
| Who’ll take notes? | I’m not doing it two months in a row. |
| We have five items on the agenda. | We’ll be lucky if we get past two. |
| You have the documents in front of you. | I see that none of you downloaded what I sent. |
| With all due respect ... | I’m about to be rude. |
| I have a question. | I have a comment. |
| I have issues with -- | I can’t tell you how much this pisses me off. |
| Can you repeat that? | I need to buy some time. |
| What’s best for our students ... | What works for me ... |
| I’m a bit puzzled by ... | I hate ... |
| Do I hear a motion? | Will someone please save me? |
| Let’s send this back to the committee. | Let’s deep-six this baby. |
| Can we take this up next time? | I don’t have my minions here right now. |
| I have to leave early for another meeting. | I’m more important than you. |
| I’m sorry, but I have to pick up my son. | I have my priorities straight. |
| Do I see a hand? | Stop interrupting. |
| As a point of procedure ... | No other way I can stop this. |
| If I may make a comment ... | Now that everyone else has had a say, I intend to drone on for as long as I like. |
| Shall we call the question? | Can we for Chrissake get on with this? |
| Paper ballots, please. | I see we don’t trust each other. |
| How about just a show of hands? | We’ll smoke ’em out. |
| Please, this is a private matter. | Back-channel all sniping e-mail. |
| As I recall, we do have a precedent for that ... | As the longest-standing faculty member in the room, I can make up anything before 1970. |
| We can decide this next matter in a hurry. | I hope no one’s read beyond page two. |
| That’s not what I said. | I wish I hadn’t said that. |
| Correct me if I’m wrong. | I know I’m right on this one. |
| Here are our recommendations. | Here are our demands. |
| To speak anecdotally ... | I haven’t a shred of evidence to back this up. |
| The administration may not agree with us on this one. | The provost wishes we were dead. |
| I don’t believe Professor Jones has had a chance to speak. | Stop marking papers, Jonesie. |
| We need to set up a committee. | We don’t want to talk about it now. |
| I’m just the moderator. | The buck starts here. |
| Let me remind you ... | I know you know I know you know. |
| Personally ... | I love talking about myself. |
| The dean has asked for our opinion. | He wants a rubber-stamp approval. |
| You have proxies? | But aren’t Professors Winthrop and Leighton dead? |
| The meeting is now adjourned. | Time for a drinkie. |
