Welcome Home to the Campus

As the new academic year rolls around, Michael Morris shares his own take on faculty orientation.

August 15, 2019

2019 Orientation Day for New and Returning Faculty
Sturfrei-Wesleyan College
Tupper Lake, N.Y.


8:30 a.m. Presidential address:
Tomorrow Is Our Future
9:15 a.m. Teaching workshop No. 1:
He/She/They/Us/You/Ewe/Oy/Vey: Honoring Preferred Gender Pronouns in Class
(Mandatory for faculty members over 50)
10:15 a.m. Provost’s address:
Living in a Posttenure World: Applying Uber/Lyft Paradigms to Contingent Faculty
11:00 a.m. First all-faculty assembly of the 2019-20 academic year:
Annual Vote of No Confidence in the President and Provost
11:05 a.m. Review of budget cuts and faculty search cancellations by the chief financial officer
11:30 a.m. Teaching workshop No. 2:
(Choose one)
• New Developments in Clicker Design: Press vs. Swipe
• Interpreting Clicker Data That Have Been Butt-Dialed
12:15 p.m. Winners of the parking lottery are announced: Find out if you can bring your car to campus this year!
12:30 p.m. Lunch on the quad, featuring a drone fly-over presented by the Hi-Skyers Student Aviation Club
Meal provided by the hospitality program’s cuisine team
Menu theme: A World of Many Flavors
• Chicken Nuggets Italiano
• Mesquite Nuggets
• Pad Thai Nuggets
• Po’ Boy Nugget Sandwich
• Nugget Schnitzel
• Cheezy Nuggets
• Nuggets de Français avec Pommes Frites
1:30 p.m. Meet SWC’s new tenure-track faculty member!
• Todd Fleth, assistant professor of e-sports
1:45 p.m. Electronic introduction of new adjunct faculty
(Names and photos will scroll on the Jumbotron in Burning Man Stadium until 5:30 p.m.)
2:00 p.m. Board of Trustees panel discussion:
Emerging Models of Faculty-Free Higher Education
3:00 p.m. Introduction of SWC’s Screaming Algae varsity football team
(Faculty should arrive by 2:50 p.m. at Burning Man Stadium and form two parallel lines for the Column of Welcome)
3:15 p.m. Announcement by provost of academic programs/majors to be phased out this semester (Sorry for the late notice.)
4:15 p.m. Teaching workshop No. 3:
Advances in Multiple-Choice Question Construction: Moving From Four Choices to Five
(Interactive session: Please bring a question with you.)
5:00 p.m. Annual running of the deans on the campus quad (Pick the winner and you could go home with a free iPad!)
5:30 p.m. Final words from the president:
The Future: Really, It Starts Tomorrow!
5:45 p.m. Closing ceremony: SWC’s student chorale, The Screechers, performs its signature medley, “From Bach to Beyoncé,” accompanied by the SWC marching band’s Twerk Squad.
6:30 p.m. Bonfire on the quad, fueled by hard-copy journals and master’s theses discarded by the library. Spouses and significant others are invited. Free beer and nuggets for all!
8:30 p.m. Movie night on the quad: Goodbye, Mr. Chips (1939)
10:30 p.m. Postmovie conversation with a distinguished panel of male emeritus faculty members
Topic: Oh, What a Time It Was!

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Michael Morris is professor emeritus of psychology at the University of New Haven.


Michael Morris

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