Welcome Home to the Campus

As the new academic year rolls around, Michael Morris shares his own take on faculty orientation.

By

August 15, 2019

(Istockphoto.com/Diane555)

	2019 Orientation Day for New and Returning Faculty Sturfrei-Wesleyan College Tupper Lake, N.Y.
8:30 a.m.	Presidential address: Tomorrow Is Our Future
9:15 a.m.	Teaching workshop No. 1: He/She/They/Us/You/Ewe/Oy/Vey: Honoring Preferred Gender Pronouns in Class (Mandatory for faculty members over 50)
10:15 a.m.	Provost’s address: Living in a Posttenure World: Applying Uber/Lyft Paradigms to Contingent Faculty
11:00 a.m.	First all-faculty assembly of the 2019-20 academic year: Annual Vote of No Confidence in the President and Provost
11:05 a.m.	Review of budget cuts and faculty search cancellations by the chief financial officer
11:30 a.m.	Teaching workshop No. 2: (Choose one) • New Developments in Clicker Design: Press vs. Swipe • Interpreting Clicker Data That Have Been Butt-Dialed
12:15 p.m.	Winners of the parking lottery are announced: Find out if you can bring your car to campus this year!
12:30 p.m.	Lunch on the quad, featuring a drone fly-over presented by the Hi-Skyers Student Aviation Club Meal provided by the hospitality program’s cuisine team Menu theme: A World of Many Flavors • Chicken Nuggets Italiano • Mesquite Nuggets • Pad Thai Nuggets • Po’ Boy Nugget Sandwich • Nugget Schnitzel • Cheezy Nuggets • Nuggets de Français avec Pommes Frites
1:30 p.m.	Meet SWC’s new tenure-track faculty member! • Todd Fleth, assistant professor of e-sports
1:45 p.m.	Electronic introduction of new adjunct faculty (Names and photos will scroll on the Jumbotron in Burning Man Stadium until 5:30 p.m.)
2:00 p.m.	Board of Trustees panel discussion: Emerging Models of Faculty-Free Higher Education
3:00 p.m.	Introduction of SWC’s Screaming Algae varsity football team (Faculty should arrive by 2:50 p.m. at Burning Man Stadium and form two parallel lines for the Column of Welcome)
3:15 p.m.	Announcement by provost of academic programs/majors to be phased out this semester (Sorry for the late notice.)
4:15 p.m.	Teaching workshop No. 3: Advances in Multiple-Choice Question Construction: Moving From Four Choices to Five (Interactive session: Please bring a question with you.)
5:00 p.m.	Annual running of the deans on the campus quad (Pick the winner and you could go home with a free iPad!)
5:30 p.m.	Final words from the president: The Future: Really, It Starts Tomorrow!
5:45 p.m.	Closing ceremony: SWC’s student chorale, The Screechers, performs its signature medley, “From Bach to Beyoncé,” accompanied by the SWC marching band’s Twerk Squad.
6:30 p.m.	Bonfire on the quad, fueled by hard-copy journals and master’s theses discarded by the library. Spouses and significant others are invited. Free beer and nuggets for all!
8:30 p.m.	Movie night on the quad: Goodbye, Mr. Chips (1939)
10:30 p.m.	Postmovie conversation with a distinguished panel of male emeritus faculty members Topic: Oh, What a Time It Was!