Welcome Home to the Campus

As the new academic year rolls around, Michael Morris shares his own take on faculty orientation.

August 15, 2019
 
 
Istockphoto.com/Diane555
 

2019 Orientation Day for New and Returning Faculty
Sturfrei-Wesleyan College
Tupper Lake, N.Y.

 

8:30 a.m. Presidential address:
Tomorrow Is Our Future
9:15 a.m. Teaching workshop No. 1:
He/She/They/Us/You/Ewe/Oy/Vey: Honoring Preferred Gender Pronouns in Class
(Mandatory for faculty members over 50)
10:15 a.m. Provost’s address:
Living in a Posttenure World: Applying Uber/Lyft Paradigms to Contingent Faculty
11:00 a.m. First all-faculty assembly of the 2019-20 academic year:
Annual Vote of No Confidence in the President and Provost
11:05 a.m. Review of budget cuts and faculty search cancellations by the chief financial officer
11:30 a.m. Teaching workshop No. 2:
(Choose one)
• New Developments in Clicker Design: Press vs. Swipe
• Interpreting Clicker Data That Have Been Butt-Dialed
12:15 p.m. Winners of the parking lottery are announced: Find out if you can bring your car to campus this year!
12:30 p.m. Lunch on the quad, featuring a drone fly-over presented by the Hi-Skyers Student Aviation Club
Meal provided by the hospitality program’s cuisine team
Menu theme: A World of Many Flavors
• Chicken Nuggets Italiano
• Mesquite Nuggets
• Pad Thai Nuggets
• Po’ Boy Nugget Sandwich
• Nugget Schnitzel
• Cheezy Nuggets
• Nuggets de Français avec Pommes Frites
1:30 p.m. Meet SWC’s new tenure-track faculty member!
• Todd Fleth, assistant professor of e-sports
1:45 p.m. Electronic introduction of new adjunct faculty
(Names and photos will scroll on the Jumbotron in Burning Man Stadium until 5:30 p.m.)
2:00 p.m. Board of Trustees panel discussion:
Emerging Models of Faculty-Free Higher Education
3:00 p.m. Introduction of SWC’s Screaming Algae varsity football team
(Faculty should arrive by 2:50 p.m. at Burning Man Stadium and form two parallel lines for the Column of Welcome)
3:15 p.m. Announcement by provost of academic programs/majors to be phased out this semester (Sorry for the late notice.)
4:15 p.m. Teaching workshop No. 3:
Advances in Multiple-Choice Question Construction: Moving From Four Choices to Five
(Interactive session: Please bring a question with you.)
5:00 p.m. Annual running of the deans on the campus quad (Pick the winner and you could go home with a free iPad!)
5:30 p.m. Final words from the president:
The Future: Really, It Starts Tomorrow!
5:45 p.m. Closing ceremony: SWC’s student chorale, The Screechers, performs its signature medley, “From Bach to Beyoncé,” accompanied by the SWC marching band’s Twerk Squad.
6:30 p.m. Bonfire on the quad, fueled by hard-copy journals and master’s theses discarded by the library. Spouses and significant others are invited. Free beer and nuggets for all!
8:30 p.m. Movie night on the quad: Goodbye, Mr. Chips (1939)
10:30 p.m. Postmovie conversation with a distinguished panel of male emeritus faculty members
Topic: Oh, What a Time It Was!

Bio

Michael Morris is professor emeritus of psychology at the University of New Haven.

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