As the new academic year rolls around, Michael Morris shares his own take on faculty orientation.
August 15, 2019
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2019 Orientation Day for New and Returning Faculty
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| 8:30 a.m. | Presidential address: Tomorrow Is Our Future |
| 9:15 a.m. | Teaching workshop No. 1: He/She/They/Us/You/Ewe/Oy/Vey: Honoring Preferred Gender Pronouns in Class (Mandatory for faculty members over 50) |
| 10:15 a.m. | Provost’s address: Living in a Posttenure World: Applying Uber/Lyft Paradigms to Contingent Faculty |
| 11:00 a.m. | First all-faculty assembly of the 2019-20 academic year: Annual Vote of No Confidence in the President and Provost |
| 11:05 a.m. | Review of budget cuts and faculty search cancellations by the chief financial officer |
| 11:30 a.m. | Teaching workshop No. 2: (Choose one) • New Developments in Clicker Design: Press vs. Swipe • Interpreting Clicker Data That Have Been Butt-Dialed |
| 12:15 p.m. | Winners of the parking lottery are announced: Find out if you can bring your car to campus this year! |
| 12:30 p.m. | Lunch on the quad, featuring a drone fly-over presented by the Hi-Skyers Student Aviation Club Meal provided by the hospitality program’s cuisine team Menu theme: A World of Many Flavors • Chicken Nuggets Italiano • Mesquite Nuggets • Pad Thai Nuggets • Po’ Boy Nugget Sandwich • Nugget Schnitzel • Cheezy Nuggets • Nuggets de Français avec Pommes Frites |
| 1:30 p.m. | Meet SWC’s new tenure-track faculty member! • Todd Fleth, assistant professor of e-sports |
| 1:45 p.m. | Electronic introduction of new adjunct faculty (Names and photos will scroll on the Jumbotron in Burning Man Stadium until 5:30 p.m.) |
| 2:00 p.m. | Board of Trustees panel discussion: Emerging Models of Faculty-Free Higher Education |
| 3:00 p.m. | Introduction of SWC’s Screaming Algae varsity football team (Faculty should arrive by 2:50 p.m. at Burning Man Stadium and form two parallel lines for the Column of Welcome) |
| 3:15 p.m. | Announcement by provost of academic programs/majors to be phased out this semester (Sorry for the late notice.) |
| 4:15 p.m. | Teaching workshop No. 3: Advances in Multiple-Choice Question Construction: Moving From Four Choices to Five (Interactive session: Please bring a question with you.) |
| 5:00 p.m. | Annual running of the deans on the campus quad (Pick the winner and you could go home with a free iPad!) |
| 5:30 p.m. | Final words from the president: The Future: Really, It Starts Tomorrow! |
| 5:45 p.m. | Closing ceremony: SWC’s student chorale, The Screechers, performs its signature medley, “From Bach to Beyoncé,” accompanied by the SWC marching band’s Twerk Squad. |
| 6:30 p.m. | Bonfire on the quad, fueled by hard-copy journals and master’s theses discarded by the library. Spouses and significant others are invited. Free beer and nuggets for all! |
| 8:30 p.m. | Movie night on the quad: Goodbye, Mr. Chips (1939) |
| 10:30 p.m. | Postmovie conversation with a distinguished panel of male emeritus faculty members Topic: Oh, What a Time It Was! |
Bio
Michael Morris is professor emeritus of psychology at the University of New Haven.
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