Grad School: A Primer
Scott Eric Kaufman provides the ABC's of being a doctoral student.
A is for Anxiety. Who are you, Derrida?
B is for the Bore you are, to all but Ma and Pa.
C is for the Coin you drop on Copies you deface,
D for the Despair you feel, producing at this pace.
E is for the Energy you wasted all these years,
F for Fraud, for Failure, Fake, whatever, these are tears.
G is for the Game you play, imagining you'll finish,
H for Harry Potter. You fancy games of Quiddich.
I's for Isolation, you're alone in this you know?
J for all the Joy you'll feel in this Hell when it snows.
K is for the grade you'd give, to see that student sob,
L for Lucky, like you'll be, to ever Land a job.
M is for the Money you'd be rolling in by now,
N for all the Notes you lost, although you're not sure how.
O is for the wailing, which continues in your sleep,
P for all the Pressure, which you handle [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP].
Q is for the Questions, all the dumb ones that you ask,
R for the Revisions, Resubmissions in your past.*
T is for the Time spent, reading this instead of that,
U for Unproductive, like the time spent with your cat.
V is for the Virtues you can always cultivate,
When you have a real life. At some undetermined date.
X is for the ones you love, but avoid for your cause,
Y for you, you you you you, and working without pause.
Z is for the Å½iÅ¾ek, he's really rad, I hear,
And now you know, Grad ABCs, who here wants more beer?
* S is for the Shit you inevitably leave out, or maybe for how stupid, you feel foot firm in mouth.
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- Don't Forget the Registrar
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